Once upon a time in America sugar cereal ruled supreme. Tonight, I look back on some of my favorites. Come along if you dare…
Welcome back to the ROX-TV website. As always, I’d like to thank the returning readers and welcome the green beans. One way or another, you made it back on this stormy night. The good news is that the fire is crackling, the lights are dim, and good hash is close. So, pull up a cozy chair and enjoy a spell. This evening we will be talking about a strange subject…morning cereal to be exact. I say that it’s a strange topic and maybe it is. But should it be? I mean shit, every kid in America loved sugar cereal when they were coming up in the world.
Although we never had any in the house (Author’s Note: except after the completion of the 80’s flu, we could pick out one box of sugar cereal. At the time I thought it was a treat after a shit show, but in reality it was probably an attempt to get the weight up. A few days of dry heaves and explosive 1980’s flu vomit was enough to shrink you down to nothing. Back then the flu was vicious, and you were fucked if you got it. When someone in the house got the 1980’s standard flu, the rest of the people living there moved out. The fear man…it was stupid but real. Fuck the flu) it was game on at my Grandparents house. They had seven kids, who each had a bunch of kids themselves. We multiplied like rabbits. It’s in the jeans. Anyway, they kept a few boxes at their house for the grand kids.
I swear one of the first things we did whenever we went there was to check for the goods. God bless their hearts, they never complained, knowing we were going to eat the whole box of Count Chocula. The shit was good back then, much more sugary content. Sometimes as an adult, I pick up a box if the time is right. It doesn’t taste the same sadly, with no more punch than a plain graham cracker. They skimp these days because people don’t pay attention or maybe they want to fight poor eating habits. They sure as hell didn’t care in the 1980’s though because that cereal would turn the milk chocolate, like the drink. Good times.
Sugar cereals were interesting to me and not just because the sugar content was through the roof. Most of these cereals came in boxes that really looked good artistically. The colors were bold and beautiful, with interesting looking cartoon characters in tow. Sometimes there was a toy inside and back in the 80’s it probably was an actual toy. Today you scan some fucking barcode to see what the prize is. Screw that. Give me the cheap ass glider or the funky spider ring any day. Instant gratification my friends. Here’s to feeling good all the time (thanks Cosmo).
Some of the gimmicks were fucking wack, some were geared towards the girls, but most of the time it was some ridiculous, right down the middle gender-neutral toy no one particularly wanted. Everyone alive knows about the catch all toys from Happy Meals (Author’s Note: another item that I wanted but didn’t get, the old man said it was a rip off and as an adult, I know he was right, but when you’re young and Ronald McDonald rolls into your living room on the T.V. with his weirdo crew of back up players. Everyone frolicking around, stealing burgers and fries. The crazy fry guys and the Hamburglar. Don’t forget about the purple shape Grimace. It looked liked a Saturday morning cartoon on LSD had come to life selling meals that made you feel happy. Eight-year-olds will never understand the rip) but now I am really starting to drift, which is putting the sugar cereal article in jeopardy. Time to reign in this mash up before it’s too late.
Oh yeah, so the artwork for me was captivating and captured my attention for decades to follow. That’s a pretty powerful association and I am compelled to write about it and I do not understand why. But that’s ok, who am I to question to universe on such matters. Just go with the flow Jones. This line of thought keeps moving and maybe it’s time to unveil some of my favorite box covers. I hope everyone has what they need, whether it’s a bowl and spoon because this ship is leaving the port. Time to fire up the nostalgia machine and get hip. You’ve come this far; you might as well see this thing thru. Let’s boogie…
ROX-TV’s Midnight Cereal Rundown
So first off, we have the Boo Berry box. This cat was an elusive brand that was running with the trio which also housed Franken Berry and Count Chocula. I don’t know why but even when they were pushing these three hard, Boo Berry was like the guy in the group that wasn’t around much. C.C. was the easiest to find of course. Franken Berry was around too, but nobody claimed it as their favorite. Boo Berry was like a cult classic even when it was popular. I think that’s pretty cool and that’s how I remember it (and with all memories you need a grain of salt…even in the Malt-o-Meal. Pinch of salt and a fucking ice cube). Anyway, I did eat this, and I mean only once or twice tops. The conditions for those encounters are not as well remembered as the cereal though and I can offer no additional information at this time. Maybe someday I’ll have a Boo Berry flashback, but not today. A few fast facts about this cereal. It’s first production run was in 1973 and allegedly it still runs today. I will go out on a limb and predict it’s only for the Halloween Season anymore but I could be wrong. Like I said earlier, the toys could be a little far out sometimes and this box featured a Monster Mobile.
I’m curious as to how the finished mobile turned out. This was a General Mills creation. Blue Berry flavored oat cereal with Blue Berry marbits. During my research I also found out that there was actually a fourth member of the trio. The cereal was called “Fruit Brute” and had a production run from 1974 thru 1982. Although I didn’t catch this, apparently in Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction, director Quentin Tarantino slid the cereal in. Ok, I’m starting to drift again…blasted weed. Moving on.
As you can plainly see, these boxes are just fun to look at. It’s like they draw you in and once they got you, it’s almost painful to look away. I don’t want to look away. These little time machines really offer it all. Monster Mobiles, Glow in the dark light switch sticker, creepy magnets, and Donkey Kong Jr. baseball trading cards. Often times kids would tear open a brand-new box of cereal, ramshackling the insides to find these basically worthless toys and “shiny items”. I’m sure there is a whole underground black market trading culture associated with these cereal boxes and toys. I’m not really in the know but humans can and do collect the strangest things. I’m sure somewhere in the back alleys of America tonight someone is arranging a deal for a 1983 un-opened box of Pac Man Cereal. There’s just got to be. If there isn’t, then someone should get on the horn and make it happen.
So here we have a wonderful example of a cartoon inspired cereal called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal. The company that brought out this champion is called Rolston. Obviously, this cereal was based on the cartoon. Although the show came out around 1987, this product wouldn’t be realized until 1989 when the first production runs started hitting the streets. I do take issue with this cereal for one reason and one reason only. It’s not the actual cereal, which was fine, or the marbit which was great. It was the unholy crossing of pizza and breakfast cereal. It just can’t happen. You know when the Ghostbusters first started to figure out their gear, in Part 1 when they are dealing with the ghost in the hotel. Egon Spengler tells Peter Venkman and the forgettable (name only) third ghost buster Ray Stantz “don’t cross the streams”. That’s how I feel about sugar cereal and pizza. There should be no mention of either one, in the presence of the other. It’s the unspoken stoner weirdo rule. Strike “Pizza” from the front, leaving only Shaped Marshmallows and I’m good. I did eat this cereal. I did watch this cartoon. I absolutely loved playing the T.M.N.T. video game at Chucky Cheese birthday parties. It was four player and for a quarter aka token, you and three of your little homies from school could kill bad guys and take down Shredder. For the record, we beat that game many times for less than three bucks. Not a huge feat, but I can say I did it. Where were you when it all went down? At home on the couch. I warned you about that.
End of Part One
Signing Off
Mike Shepard
ROX-TV
